Scenario #1... Feeling out the "temperature" of the potential attendees to a gathering and sending out invitations...
Method: Phone, e-mail, texting, posting
Foot In Mouth Syndrome - When To Say It & When To Zip It
Kimberly Simon Hypnotherapy & Wellness • February 17, 2021
Foot In Mouth Syndrome - When to Say It & When to Zip It
With Easter approaching it's time for family get togethers.
With vaccines more prevalent, families may gather more "in-person".
This means...plenty of opportunity for a potent mix...
Family + holidays + very stressful past year and half =
Lots of Foot In Mouth Syndrome
While I am not the moral police, I have suffered from Foot In Mouth Syndrome through my life and willingly share what I’ve learned.
Learning to play well with others is an old and important kindergarten lesson.
Each person has experienced 2020-2021 in their own unique way. A year of people experiencing intense emotions are just waiting for a chance to be heard " in-person".
This will require dusting off those socializing skills and keeping your feet firmly on the floor.
To ensure your family reunion is more joy and less pain, prepare the groundwork with these 3 situational tips to avoid "Foot in Mouth Syndrome".
So you want to have a social gathering for Easter. You have some relatives that are anti-maskers and some that wear two masks outdoors while vaccinated.
The first thing - realize it is a
sensitive topic for everyone. If you have a one size fits all attitude in your invitation, expect to have a one sided group of attendee's.
If you are looking to unite your family of differing opinions, at least acknowledge in your invite that you respect that there are differences of opinions.
Expect some conflict and some difficult discussions. If you are not prepared, you may experience emotions that cause you to react before thinking and thus,
"put your foot in your mouth".
Many of these conversations will take place over social media...
Social Media, texting, e-mail is as fast & easy to send off as a click of the finger. It can be a record of your favorite moments or your most unstable ones. It is easy to post in an emotional state – stop & think –
Will this make me part of the problem or part of the solution? Emotional posting is similar to drunk posting, ask - will you regret this in the morning?
We have all had the D.P.C’s Digitally Posted Crazily. Whether from to much coffee, too little sleep, or when emotional. And it’s affirming when someone who agrees with you confirms your worst reactions. "Someone" always will. But a "like" doesn’t always reflect your best self.
What if you lost control of your reactions and digitally posted crazily?
Let the shame go and do better next time. An apology is always appreciated by others and is better sooner than later. Embarrassment and shame is not healthy. When you know better, do better.
While using social media remember...
1. Write
2. Stop and Re-read
3. Ask yourself, "Will this help unite us as a family or divide us", "Will this offer a solution or create a larger problem?" If you are not sure, walk away, think about it or give it a night.
4. Press send.
Not every "wrong" post requires corrective commentary.
Some have not mastered posting restraint. Have mercy on yourself and others. Have you ever said or posted anything you regret and wish to have it forgotten or forgiven?
Extend the same to others - especially from family who you would like to retain some semblance of connection.
Everyone of us has a filtered lens looking at reality through our past and beliefs. Any two of us experiencing the same thing will be affected differently depending on our unique set of life circumstances.
Our families gatherings are the perfect playground to learn to play well with others and yet... often these gathering seem to be the place we express the least restraint and the most dysfunctional interactions. We may be more socially polite with friends or
strangers than family.
Once everyone goes their separate ways, what will they remember or talk about? The good food and company? Or who said what to Aunt Mary.
Scenario #2:
You are in a "discussion" at the family gathering and KNOW you are right.
Method:
Virtual or In-person gathering
One of the top causes of “Foot in Mouth Syndrome” is the need to prove you are right.
You know you are right. Every one of the facts prove it. And you won’t stop until someone acknowledges your rightness.
I remember the aha moment when I saw this in my self.
I was with a co-worker earnestly telling her a story while my blood pressure raged, my hands and voice worked in full tandem with the proof of my justifications and as I stopped I demanded, “Tell me I’m not right?!”
She calmly and pitifully looked at me and said, “You are right. Does it make you feel any better?”
I stepped back startled and and it was as if the sun shone its full light on me. I felt angry, hostile, ashamed, and ridiculous for ranting and raving about my righteousness and it had not changed one single solitary thing. I had no solutions nor peace.
Righteousness for righteous sake is no reason to blurt words all over someone else.
Putting people on defense to agree with you, "or else" face your wrath and hot headedness is Foot In Mouth Syndrome. Instead of proving or changing anything, you are creating anger, fear, defensiveness, annoyance, and more. Even if the other person who has to listen to you, SAYS they agree, receiving approval through brow beating does not make it so.
Before spreading bad feelings all over your social gathering, consider... would it be better to be wrong for the sake of temporary peace. Only time and equal exchange of ideas with active listening and receiving can change minds that are willing. A fun social gathering is probably not the place for it.
Let it go.
Scenario #3: Setting and knowing your healthy boundaries.
Boundary subject: Religious or political talk with people you want to keep as clients, family, or neighbors but you completely and totally disagree.
Almost everyone knows NOT to bring up certain subjects at a family gathering. And yet it just seems to happen. I have put my foot in my mouth at family gatherings so many times that I’m surprised people don’t think my foot is one of my teeth.
Note: You are allowed to protect yourself physically, emotionally & spiritually as a human right.
With that said, here are some tips for boundaries with family about "hot topics".
- Determine your "hot topic" lines and let family know where discussion lines are in a non confrontational way BEFORE beginning conversation. Example: I am letting you know that I am sensitive about discussions about politics. I prefer not to discuss this topic with you.
- Have and communicate a predetermined result for when the boundary has been reached. Example: Should these topics arise, I will walk away as a reminder to you that I am feeling uncomfortable. Should you pursue me and try to continue the conversation, I will leave.
- Follow through. If the boundary is crossed, follow through with your pre planned action. Try again another time with the same warning.
*If your boundaries are continuously crossed then you may need to reassess your boundaries with wider and larger consequences
YOU may have cured your own “foot in mouth syndrome” but you can’t cure theirs.
You can only heal yourself, however you MAY inspire others by keeping your cool and modeling healthy actions and behaviors.
Others may notice and appreciate how you manage relations with people who see things differently. And who knows, in an atmosphere where boundaries have been established and space for peaceful exchange has been designed, an atmosphere has been created for future growth and understanding.
Foot in mouth syndrome isn't about NOT standing for your beliefs or safety, its about knowing...
when to say it and when to zip it.
April Events
Happy to help.
If you need help with boundaries or relationships be sure to e-mail to set up a
FREE phone consultation to discuss services.
kimberlysimon1@gmail.com 586-255-3312
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